2 Girls, 1 Mat- BJJ Life Lessons

Than watching your instructor and three other guys sing along to Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello” while you’re warming up.

Contrary to popular belief, jogging by the water does not help to keep you cool. The next time you see me jogging, remember that I’ll do almost anything for shade & cool drinks. Or I just may tackle you, armbar the arm holding the water bottle and drink from it that way. You just have to ask yourself…..do you feel lucky?

…..Well? Do you?

*insert name here* plays too rough…

In the words of Kelso, “it’s funny, ‘cause it’s true”. We really need to make this our next t-shirt.

One of your greatest jiu-jitsu training tools is your sense of humor. Seriously. It can help you get through almost anything. I tell anyone when they start training that the ability to laugh will help get them through the tough times. For an example, take me and mounted triangles. In my almost 3 years of rolling, I’ve been teabagged more than the Boston Harbor was on December 16, 1773. But if I couldn’t find the funny in it, I would have had a harder time getting comfortable in that position and learning how to counter and escape it.

Our training partners have gone beyond the impossible and introduced a warm-up technique that is worse than burpees. Why? Because these happen after the burpees.

It’s hellish blend of all the Saw movies, with a liberal flavoring of Simon Says.

Jog in place…

   Jump!

   Jump!

   Sprawl!

   Jump!

   Sprawl!

   Sprawl!

   Sprawl!

   Sprawl! At about 4 or 5 sprawls in a row in, the word starts to lose its meaning…

   Jump!

Jog in place…

*shudder* I’m getting flashbacks just thinking of them. Last time, it nearly broke me. I started screaming things from Metal Gear Solid games. “The pain! The pain! I am covered in bees~!”

“Why was the blind hooker upset with her client?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“She didn’t see him coming.”

If performed properly, your partner will collapse in helpless laughter, allowing you access for a hip-heist or kimura.

Things you say can & will be used against you.

While saying “I can’t feel it; do it again” is extremely helpful when practicing techniques with your partner, it is only so on the mats. Say that to any other partner is your life, & you will omoplata their pride in one fell swoop.

Watching shiny new people at BJJ for the first time tends to bring out this reaction in me. Seriously, they’re like little golden retriever puppies sprawling & tumbling on the mats.

The guys will say cute things like “I had a huge pizza 15 minutes ago, is that okay?” right as we begin warm-ups. Girls will fall repeatedly as they attempt to learn how to do a kimura. Both genders seem to like putting their faces into the mat the first times you guide them into the side control position.

And what makes it funny to you is nostalgia, because you look at them and think back to your first classes, and how gawky you used to be. 

All you do is smile, chuckle, & readjust them properly. You know it’s all up-hill from here.

You know those insulin pumps that actually attach to the abdomen? How money would it be if someone was able to convert those to dispense Gatorade?

The good thing about BJJ is that it opens up so many possible career avenues. Many people just think about being competitors or opening up their own gyms. Those people are not thinking outside of the box. There’s just got to be a market for a jiu-jitsu-themed stripper.

Think about it. The DJ could dim the lights & play my entrance music. Something suitably classy, like Akiyami’s use of “Con te partirò”. I could walk to the main stage majestically, with my corner trailing behind me shouting encouragement & pumping up the crowd. 

The DJ would then channel his best Buffer-voice and go “Coming up next, on the main stage…….Omoplata!” That would be my rookie alias. “Kimura” would be my classy East Coast stage name. If I was working the Midwest, I’d go with “Borboleta”, and if I wanted to rock the old school, trashy, dirty South-vibe, I’d have to go with “Americana”.

Then, onstage, I’d dance to old Mötley Crüe records just like Chris Rock envisioned.

(Well, almost. At least my tuition’s already been paid for.)

It is my prim, proper, and humble opinion that singing Ginuwine’s “Pony” while punctuating the beat with rhythmic pelvic thrusts is one of the best mount escapes of all time.

OF ALL TIME.

“Your belt only covers about an inch of your ass. Make sure that your skills can successfully cover the rest.”

                                                                       -Our Instructor

There really should be a memorial for gi’s that have fallen in the line of duty.

THIS IS WHY WE DON’T JUMP GUARD, PEOPLE.

Consider it a lesson learned. Call it a rite of passage. Call it an epic mistake, even. But whatever you call it, the truth stays the same.

No matter what other practitioners may tell you, rolling hungover is not the business, as one of our teammates found out yesterday. It’s hard enough to deal with headaches, dehydration and nausea without wearing a couple pounds of cotton, and sparring with your instructor.

Plus, a sweat-soaked gi that’s been infused with the scent of vodka is just insult added to injury.

Time to point out the elephant on the mat.

A surprising number BJJ practitioners share have a secret. It’s only talked about in a select few circles, but when it is, expect to see more than one naughty grin.

Our secret?

A fetish for virgin……..gi’s.

Go on, ask around. There’s nothing like the sight of a brand spanking-new gi coming into your gym. Your body thrums with anticipation.

You can’t wait until you have the chance to lock your legs around that person,  hold them close, and thrust your fingers deep inside that gi. The burn and tremble in your muscles as you strain to achieve total dominance. The husky rasp of flesh on cotton in your ears. The staccato counterpoint of your heartbeat. The salt of your sweat against your lips as you get closer and closer. The increasing grunts, the gasps, the sudden & deep satisfaction as you finally take your them over the edge……….

and choke them out.

You never forget your first.